Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope.

He wants to reform the world.

When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world,

but he knows he can't.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous

everyone hasn't met me yet.

I found there was only one way to look thin:

hang out with fat people.

Some dog I got too.

We call him Egypt.

Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.

he told me to wear a brown tie.

This morning when I put on my underwear

I could hear the fruit of the loom guys laughing at me.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

With my wife I don't get no respect.

I made a toast on her birthday to

the best woman a man ever had.

The waiter joined me.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car

and she wants me to drive.

I could tell my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said...

Come on over, there's nobody home.

I went over.

Nobody was home.

When I was born I was so ugly

the doctor slapped my mother.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you're ugly too.

I went to a fight the other night,

and a hockey game broke out.